Tired.
Exhausted.
Beaten within an inch of my life. (Emotionally.)



Camping trip was a total success.
I miss them all so terribly.
My heart hasn't hurt this much in a right long while.




Coheed Buffalo show is underway!

Over and out. I wanna go sleep more. Better updates soon.

LONG AWAITED UPDATE!

Newest color! Woo hoo! Anywho, let the brief updating commence!!

(^ It'll be kinda like this..only without the uniforms...or maybe we will have uniforms..who knows!)

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Well my comrades, the few and the far apart who read this; The Cobalt Camping Trip is now officially..*checks calander* 3 days away not counting today!! Can you tell how excited I am by the !!'s ?

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In other news; for those of you who may have your head up your ass..Michael Jackson died. Also Farrah Fawcett..but because MJ died on the same day, everyone shunned her because he is a pop legend..she is just an angel. (pun intended.)

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I got called into work early today..2.30pm to be exact from my later 5pm schedule. & @ 3am Joe called me for the first time in ages. I didn't realize how much I missed his voice.

Tune in! Perhaps I'll update more!

Woah, woah, WOAH!

Let's back this train UP!

Apparently things have once again shifted back into their normal sense of balance and my disillusions are back to being at a healthy standard of being aware in any given situation. After 7 days of not speaking to one of the boys that I am currently sparking and burning for, things have turned out to be exactly where they left off even though we had a bump in the road. To your right is a picture of the type of cell phone I currently have. I can't tell you how often I glanced at the phone to see if he left a text message or accidently called me, (& hoping that in reality he really wanted to just call me.) But finally about two days ago, he caught me in the back room. He was on the computer & stuck his foot out to "trip me" (That granted, would of been hilarious if he succeeded.) I simply said

"What's this? You're talking to me again?" (I had to play it like it wasn't bugging me at ALL.) & as if he was planning to shoot this whole speech at me, he pointed his finger at me and snapped

"Hey, I'm not the one who sends people nasty little text messages." Apparently I did more damage then I originally set out. My goal was to save myself from this mess we call a friendship, if we can even call it that! Fast foward to the wee hours of this lovely day when we were actually on the phone, talking about all the things we missed while we weren't on civil terms & how it was dumb overall. Admitting I was less than an emotional wreck over a boy who should have no hold on me at this point; telling anyone who would listen my pissed off story of how I was just protecting myself because I am too caught up. But once it we "had it out" it became so silly, so trivial.

I'd much rather never go through that again with him.

<< & sometimes I wish this boy was still alive.

Hey hey hey, oooooo-woaaaaah!

Well kiddos, not gonna lie. A lot has been happening. Nicholas & I took our Cobalt friendship to the next level & made the treck to meet up in the real! We hit it off & I can now say that one of my best friends on the board is now one of my best friends out in the world! ^(Sidenote: That's Nicholas. We dress the same apparently!!) ((Sidenote to the sidenote: Monsters V Aliens = HILARIOUS!))

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In other news, I am still single, & am now realizing I am more than okay with this. As I venture deeper into relationships with the opposite sex from potential sexual encounters to just bumming around watching 3D movies, (See above) I have realized that the pool of gentlemen saved within my cell phone are ALL a mess all in their own right. I don't think I have the patience to pick them up off the floor & put them back together just so I can get my 15 minutes to 12 hours of satisfaction. It will ultimately cause more damage than initally projected & I really do not want to deal with this aspect. (I still pine & feel at a loss because although I know that it is not healthy to go down one of these paths, some boys can be very persuasive.) I have discussed this manner of events with Nicholas & he stopped me dead when discussing one particular boy with the simple statement: "Woah wait, I thought this is what you were fighting for!" Is it what I am fighting for? To gain the fulfilment of having this said boy waking up next to me when I slumber, feeling his hot skin when "doing the deed", & having him there to help me fight off my own worst enemy? (myself) I must admit, I do miss the security of knowing that that one boy is all mine & he wants nothing more than to be with me in all the ways he can. I really do miss that part. But having boys devulge that they are heart broken from the past or desperate for anyone's touch at this point just leaves me wondering..why would I even want to bother?

> I am not going to lie though, the thoughts of this one boy consume my cerebellum & I want nothing more than to just be with him & have the satisfaction that he has changed because of me, loves me true, & wants me naked more than anything. That's what keeps this whole circle going round & roundddddd...

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Outside is beautiful in other news. Michigan finally decided that snow was no longer an option. This pleases me greatly.

^ Outside right now!

Nineteen

I feel like writing in a whole new color, simply because I feel like a whole new person. I've done a lot of growing up in the past few weeks & I think you all should know this.

In Color.

I know, I know, it HAS been a long time since we last spoke! What have I been up to you ask? Well, just some disc golf today, (really selling this to anyone I have ever met in my life.) A few shots for the cheers of what has become to the world as the drunkest day of the year. (St. Pattie's!) & figuring out what I want in life. My birthday has come & gone & I am now 19. One more year and I am officially an adult to the rest of the world. No longer relishing in the teenage moments. Anything I do will just look foolish because I am 20, not a teen.

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I am coming down with yet another cold. It sucks.

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I am also really liking this boy right now. He is everything I have wanted for a while. It's a nice feeling, really.

P.s. Prom Night sucked. I just saw it for the first time the other night. Absolutely terrible.

The Mix Cd

This is the latest trend at my work. Everyone making everyone mix cds. I am currently working on two cds. One for my boss and one for my co-worker Matthew. It is actually one of the hardest processes to complete, making a mix cd for someone you barely know. Finding songs that you enjoy, but always thinking in the back of your mind "what if they hate this goddamn cd?" or "this isn't that great of a song, perhaps I should change it..but then it throws off the whole feel of the cd..and I have to change the catbox soon.." - It's just a never ending process. I will give Matthew his cd tomorrow complete with note and list of the songs on it and pray and hope that he enjoys it as much as I do. A little piece of my musical heart is going along with him wherever he takes this cd. (Even if it is in the trash.)
(Sidenote: Reminder to self; Have Kevin [boss] make you a new cd. Seems some people threw it away earlier.) And yes, my boss will get his cd as soon as he comes back from Colla-rado (as he says it.)

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I love the feeling of jumping into an icecold pool of water. Is this sarcasm? Perhaps.

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Was that, lightning I just saw? And thunder? Hwhat? Well, I live in Michigan..I shouldn't expect anything less from it.

Changing it up.

Welp, I finally got some sort of balls to tell the guy that I like that I like him. It was a very interesting process for me. I of course, couldn't bring myself to say anything to his face because he still scares me a bit. So, after endless hours of dreaming senarios and waking to see him at work, I was a bit fed up with the whole ordeal. I just simply put:

Hey.

I like you.

I am just too chicken shit to say it to your face at this time, so I use the internet as my backup.

So, you can either do something about it or I suggest you are extra careful with my heart til it all blows over.

BUT until then, I like you, I like you, I like you!

& Then I proceeded to do some more extensive cleaning so I can just go out without a hitch today to do some more shopping.

Am I nervous at all? Right now, no. But I feel it'll creep up on me soon enough. The compulsive fear that my world is going to be caving in around me will seep through my skin and weigh me down for a total of 5 minutes, but it'll feel like the worst 5 minutes of my life.

- -

I have yet another cold. It is driving me nuts how often I have been getting sick lately. At least I am at the end of this one.

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Wild Cherry Pepsi is the best drink out there. I should probably stop drinking soda all together though to get back into shape for running. >.<

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Robert Pattinson will always be my backup for marriage, I have decided. (Or Shia Labeouf..or Emile Hirsch.) I will always want to wake up to his voice each and everyday as he makes coffee and I refuse to get out of bed because I'll be cold.

Yeah, it'll be good with either my real life boy or celebrity Rob. <3

I taste this chemical we use at work in my mouth. I think it's in my head, but it still freaks me out to even taste it. Because then it tastes just as it smells; God awful.

- -

I've been trying to keep up with a million things lately & I am not doing a very good job. (I just wanted to say that for saying it.)

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I tried to call my dad about a week ago. His number was disconnected. I figured that though, but it was worth a shot, right?

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I really like this guy at work. Like, I reeeeally like him. I do not want to get into details right now, because I don't know what else I would say at this point.

But he'd fill the empty space next to me when I sleep, quite nicely.

How Deep is Your Love?

I am feeling frightfully overwhelmed at the moment. I don't enjoy life. I just live for living. Breathe for breathing. I don't enjoy what I smell. I don't enjoy what I see. I enjoy however, the sights of two boys that I work with. They are pleasent on my peepers. But anything else is the same old same old & it just so happens to be what you would call a rut. ^^^

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I have had a headache for the past few days. I really miss not having headaches. Why oh why did my mother have to have a stroke (thus forcing me to get off all my medications that helped with migranes and preventing children.)

My Shade Game Crazy

"You are one hundred percent responsible for everything that happens to you in your life."

Think about it.

Time Traveling Demons Part Duex

o1. No Amy, I will not change my font color.
o2. I am hanging with Kyle again. I have missed him so.
o3. Today's episode of Spongebob was hilarious.
o4. I need coffee.
o5. Superbowl today!
o6. Work from 5-11



That is all.

Time Traveling Demons

My day was uneventful, as usual. Or "ushe" as I have been trying out on Sergio. He didn't believe me that it was a word, but I proved him wrong. Thanks Urban Dictionary dot com! - Basically I woke up around 1pm, (Sergio just texted me. I don't know how he does it!) ate some crackers, took a shower, then turned on the webcam for a lovely chat with the future husband. THEN it has basically been a marathon of The New Adventures of Old Christine. (i.e. above photo) If you have ever seen the show, you will know that that is how I am going to be when I am older. A spitting image of Old Christine. Do I look forward to it, perhaps.

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I signed on for the Cobalt Camping trip 09. I have no idea what was going through my head when I decided to let Nick know that I was tagging along with him and his girlfriend. (We are driving our asses all they way to Montana.) I would assume it's my need to actually do something with at least one year of my life. For those of you who don't know, Cobalt is a forum community for the band Coheed and Cambria. I have wasted 3 good years with these people, so I figured, why not a camping trip to boot?!

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"I believe that this life is just a small part of our existence. There is way more to life than what we experience on this planet. I don't know if I would say heaven or hell but I know there is more. That said, I will say this. You can inturpet it any way that you'd like. Organized Religion is to adults as Santa Clause is to Children." - Don Scott

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I thought I'd sign off with something very sentimental and mind opening, if you will. & That something came from the mouth of my Uncle Don, who is dying from cancer. There is no way to cure this particular kind & no way for him to know how much time he has left in this version of world. I respect the ways of blinking through the eyes of someone else just a little more now.

The New Adventures of Old Rebecca

Lets see, what have I done today that was remotely interesting? I guess I can account for yesterdays happenings, I traveled to my Aunt and Uncle's house for some fun filled relaxiation. - Basically it was me wanting to spend time with human beings who actually wanted to spend time with me that didn't feel compelled to spend time with me, BUT they went to bed around 11.30, leaving me all alone with Harley the cat to watch television. - What does that make me? Am I that boring of a person? I will grant you, that I never really was that interesting to begin with, but just hanging out has become such a problem for the people in my life lately..it's hard to catch a break.

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I don't think I get just how eccentric my family is, while I am still dabbling into this abyss. I mean, for instance, my brother has been glued to my hip, which is a complete contradiction to what I had previously said (i.e. is it so hard to catch a break?) but alas, it still is a matter of facts. (I guess it depends on who I want to hang out with in the first place.) - I was webcamming with the boy I am going to marry one day and my brother bursts in just being himself, which is utterly embarassing. I mean the things that spill out of this child's mouth just froze my spine & all I really could do was just set my head on the desk while my hubby laughed & they shared a "guy moment".

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Brings me to Guy Moments: I don't really understand guys. They claim to be simple creatures of the night, but I beg to differ. Some begin to show interest then COMPLETLEY 180 and it's back to square one, while others show no interest at all, but later tell you that they think about you when they jerk off. /Le sigh. I just don't get it.

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Later from this embarassing conversation that my brother nor hubby thought was embarassing at all (just me being my overcritical self) I pleaded with one of my best friends, Amanda (see post de virginity) to make her way out of her house, even though it was Richard's (her father) birthday. We drove around in a giant circle just whining about how our lives suck; how technology is just betraying her left & right & how my world seems to just be collapsing just because I need something to complain about. I always seem to need something to complain about. I love her though, she'll figure it out. I still stand by the whole he likes her, (duh, she likes him!) and he just doesn't realize it yet. But, I guess we'll see where it goes for them.

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As for me, shit is changing left and right, but I'll always be the same girl I have been since day one. I'm real good at adapting.

Good morning Starshine! The Earth says hello!

And what a good morning it is kids! Apparently I like to wake up at 7.00 AM just for waking up at 7.00 AM. I started off my morning with lights on because my younger brother was headed off to another fun filled day of highschool; that was about 6.30 AM. So after startling to an abrupt level of awareness, I proceed to pick up my phone to buy a ringtone. I have no clue what came over me, but I felt I needed a new one. (SideNote: Purchased Obstacle 1 - Interpol, a very good song.) I am going to say it's safe to assume that I want to do something with my life as well as not miss my appointment that I have today that I've either been late for or completley absent for of the past two weeks. I want to be not wasting my days sleeping anymore, but I never want to at night. Although last night, what was it..12.30 AM was my new bedtime and it felt..good.

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Confirmed information: My Uncle Rob, or Rob to his peers, has had Congestive Heart Failure. (For those of you who do not know, please inform yourselves by clicking the link that I took 5 seconds out of my day to find.) - I mean, I guess I am worried? But I don't have that aching feeling in my core that this is it for him, I think they're just going to drain his system and send him on his way. Maybe then he won't be such a hard ass.

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I want you all to know that living in a house with as many people as I do is very overwhelming. I keep thinking about the future because of it. Do I really want a house full of this many people? Which leads to..do I want to have children some day? The current answer; No. No I do not want to have children. I cannot incorporate someone else and make sure their needs are met simply because I do not want to. Is that selfish? Food for thought, I suppose. It shouldn't matter to me, but in this day and age when two of your friends are already parents as young as 15, is somewhat of an eye opener. And I do know that once you have a child you are completley changed forever. The question is, Do I want to change forever?

No.

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Perhaps I'll have some more amazing things to type into blog abyss soon. I mean, it's only 7.45 AM and I haven't gotten my shower in yet. We'll see how it goes.

We got your money, now we'll make a new start.

I can't help but think it is one of those days again. Who knows, perhaps everyday is "one of those days." - I didn't really do much for the day to be considered interesting. I woke up to a thousand texts and calls from the people who claim they cannot live without me. So after replying relentlessly to above, I got up and logged myself onto my computer. Proceeding with that, my mother suggested I go to the eye doctor to check on my frame. I then get dressed and go, only to find that Mary, the secretary, is not working. Didn't I do this before? - -Yes, I did. I remembered I went in LAST Monday only to have the same dreadful news escape from her lips to my unwilling ears.

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There is a guy at work that I like. I have been stopped dead in my tracks by the face that is on this boy. I promised myself that I wouldn't like anyone at work, it is just too much..work, to be nothing but both redundent and literal. I find myself walking torwards the bakery (For the folks who don't know, I am a deli clerk, smack dab in the middle of the meat department and bakery) and proceed to just watch him. It sounds very creeperish, but hey, the boy is damn fine! And from time to time he'll come and say hello, but he is the only one who hasn't bothered hitting on me, which I assume is why I like him so dang much.

- -

The phone just rang, apparently my uncle has had some kind of heart failure. It's amazing how fast someone's day can turn around. I blinked and there this situation was. Am I worried about it? Not at all.

Not at all.

Remberence

It is going to be one of those days, I tell you. I have the simple numbers of 012208 scribbled around my various internet hot spots to see if anyone does recall what these mean to me. So far I don't think anyone has gotten it right, but that is fine with me.

For those of you who don't know, this was the day that shook the entertainment world. A day when a legend fell before us whilst in his sleep via drug overdose. Accidental or not, he was a reason to get up and actually go pay money for a ticket to see a movie.

His name was Heathcliff Andrew Ledger and he was my idol.

Not many people cared about this God of the screen dying, because that is all he simply was to them, a God on a screen. I felt that perhaps I could relate just a little bit more, I grew attached to a man I haven't ever met before, (at least in this life anyways) so I am not going to lie, I wept when he died.

Today I bring back this memory simply because I have, what else, an attachment to it. It's nothing too huge, just remembering what I felt should be remembered. You should try it too sometime, it really feels good.

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Also, anyone who has their birthday on this day of rememberence, well happy birthday, I hope you really enjoy it.

A Change in The Winds.

I am literally just at an impasse of emotions and built up moments as I type this. Potential readers need to know the following. I am a mess. I am a complete an utter mess. I am a jumble of words and a curse of inflictions.

I don't know where the fuck I want to be in 5 years, let alone 5 days.
Is it so bad that I just want to wake up to someone? We could live in the city and take the bus to locations we need to get to because driving is overrated.


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I decided to make one of these blogs because my friend Amanda has one and she pours her soul out to it, so I figured, why not get someone else to listen to me? I will write in a blog to get another source of internet ears to waste their valuable hours reading small font and light colored text.


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I feel that I have lost something before it has even started. I slammed on the breaks before I even walked in his door.
I ache at this thought, I truly do.