Woah, woah, WOAH!

Let's back this train UP!

Apparently things have once again shifted back into their normal sense of balance and my disillusions are back to being at a healthy standard of being aware in any given situation. After 7 days of not speaking to one of the boys that I am currently sparking and burning for, things have turned out to be exactly where they left off even though we had a bump in the road. To your right is a picture of the type of cell phone I currently have. I can't tell you how often I glanced at the phone to see if he left a text message or accidently called me, (& hoping that in reality he really wanted to just call me.) But finally about two days ago, he caught me in the back room. He was on the computer & stuck his foot out to "trip me" (That granted, would of been hilarious if he succeeded.) I simply said

"What's this? You're talking to me again?" (I had to play it like it wasn't bugging me at ALL.) & as if he was planning to shoot this whole speech at me, he pointed his finger at me and snapped

"Hey, I'm not the one who sends people nasty little text messages." Apparently I did more damage then I originally set out. My goal was to save myself from this mess we call a friendship, if we can even call it that! Fast foward to the wee hours of this lovely day when we were actually on the phone, talking about all the things we missed while we weren't on civil terms & how it was dumb overall. Admitting I was less than an emotional wreck over a boy who should have no hold on me at this point; telling anyone who would listen my pissed off story of how I was just protecting myself because I am too caught up. But once it we "had it out" it became so silly, so trivial.

I'd much rather never go through that again with him.

<< & sometimes I wish this boy was still alive.

Hey hey hey, oooooo-woaaaaah!

Well kiddos, not gonna lie. A lot has been happening. Nicholas & I took our Cobalt friendship to the next level & made the treck to meet up in the real! We hit it off & I can now say that one of my best friends on the board is now one of my best friends out in the world! ^(Sidenote: That's Nicholas. We dress the same apparently!!) ((Sidenote to the sidenote: Monsters V Aliens = HILARIOUS!))

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In other news, I am still single, & am now realizing I am more than okay with this. As I venture deeper into relationships with the opposite sex from potential sexual encounters to just bumming around watching 3D movies, (See above) I have realized that the pool of gentlemen saved within my cell phone are ALL a mess all in their own right. I don't think I have the patience to pick them up off the floor & put them back together just so I can get my 15 minutes to 12 hours of satisfaction. It will ultimately cause more damage than initally projected & I really do not want to deal with this aspect. (I still pine & feel at a loss because although I know that it is not healthy to go down one of these paths, some boys can be very persuasive.) I have discussed this manner of events with Nicholas & he stopped me dead when discussing one particular boy with the simple statement: "Woah wait, I thought this is what you were fighting for!" Is it what I am fighting for? To gain the fulfilment of having this said boy waking up next to me when I slumber, feeling his hot skin when "doing the deed", & having him there to help me fight off my own worst enemy? (myself) I must admit, I do miss the security of knowing that that one boy is all mine & he wants nothing more than to be with me in all the ways he can. I really do miss that part. But having boys devulge that they are heart broken from the past or desperate for anyone's touch at this point just leaves me wondering..why would I even want to bother?

> I am not going to lie though, the thoughts of this one boy consume my cerebellum & I want nothing more than to just be with him & have the satisfaction that he has changed because of me, loves me true, & wants me naked more than anything. That's what keeps this whole circle going round & roundddddd...

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Outside is beautiful in other news. Michigan finally decided that snow was no longer an option. This pleases me greatly.

^ Outside right now!

Nineteen

I feel like writing in a whole new color, simply because I feel like a whole new person. I've done a lot of growing up in the past few weeks & I think you all should know this.